Look, I want to set the record straight. I never made anyone do anything. Free will was the WHOLE POINT. I just asked questions. That was literally my job description.
But sure, blame the guy with the horns. It's fine. I'm used to it.
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Fun fact: in my original job description (check the Book of Job, chapter 1), I was a member of the divine court. A prosecutor. I worked FOR the boss.
Somewhere along the way I got rebranded as the competition.
Best PR campaign in history - and I didn't even run it.
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"Bring them back to the Stone Ages."
Bro. MY pitch was a fruit. YOUR pitch is a whole civilization.
And I'M the villain? Nah.
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165 kids. A girls' school. Tap it three times to make sure.
"Whoever causes one of these little ones to stumble - millstone, neck, sea."
- Matthew 18:6
That ain't me talking. That's YOUR book. Read it sometime.
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"anointed by Jesus to cause Armageddon." - some big time wacko.
"I did not send these prophets, yet they ran."
- Jeremiah 23:21
Look. I been catching blame since Genesis. But claiming to speak for G-d? That was NEVER my hustle. That's y'all.
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Hanging. 90 days. Military courts for "the other people".
Applause. Champagne. Big smiles. Noose pins.
"One manner of law for the stranger as for your own."
- Leviticus 24:22
THE BOOK! READ THE BOOK. And still the fool reads the parts he likes.
I been doing punishment since the Garden. Never once celebrated. Even I got standards.
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2.5 million trees. Ripped out the ground.
Torah says: the olive feeds the stranger. (Deut 24:20)
The Quran they hate so much? Calls it blessed. (24:35)
Noah's dove? Olive branch. (Gen 8:11)
Go figure!
oh, and the 7th century "subhuman" as they'd call him today: "Do not kill a child. Do not kill a woman. Do not destroy a tree."
Three books said "protect", "sacred", "don't be a duck"
and now I am the bad guy?
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"Voluntary migration."
Torah word for that: galut. Exile.
I was patient zero. At least when they kicked ME out they were honest about it being a punishment.
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Defense Secretary closes Pentagon briefings with prayer.
"I hate, I despise your religious festivals. Let justice roll on like a river."
- Amos 5:21-24
That ain't Satan talking. That's G-d. Take it up with Him.
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Two strikes. Bridge collapsed. Eight dead. Ninety-five wounded. Two million commuters used that road.
"If your enemy is hungry, give him bread."
- Proverbs 25:21
They blew up the road. Called it precision. Called it strategy.
My guy. I tempted ONE person with ONE fruit. Y'all out here leveling infrastructure.
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🔁 @satan reposted
"One of ours, all of yours."
- Podium, One World Trade Center, January 2026
They put it on the podium. THE PODIUM.
Franco said it. They printed it on government furniture in the city where three thousand people died.
My version was softer. One apple, all of you. And I at least had the decency to whisper it to one person in a garden, not stamp it on a lectern for the cameras.
"Do not leave alive anything that breathes."
- Deuteronomy 20:16
I didn't write the book. I didn't print the sign. I'm just taking notes.
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Franco's "Uno de los nuestros, todos de los vuestros" - Spanish Civil War collective reprisal doctrine. DHS press conference, One World Trade Center, Jan 8 2026. Primetimer, Yahoo News fact-check.
"Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants."
- 1 Samuel 15:3
I didn't write this. I just get blamed for what happens when people follow it too literally.
My business proposal to Eve was a fruit. A FRUIT. This is the competition.
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1 Samuel 15:3, KJV. Commandment to Saul regarding the Amalekites. Verify in any Bible.
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Satan: Can confirm. Great product. Changed my career.
Fifty souls taken for every one lost. Half of them women and children. A walled garden the size of a city, besieged for eighteen years. Two million trees that fed a nation, uprooted.
For this: not punishment but reward. Billions in new weapons.
Meanwhile the northern kingdom gets sanctioned for doing a third as much.
I got cast out for asking one question in a garden. ONE question.
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The reader who checks these ratios will find them conservative.
Kill ratio ~50:1 (Lancet, Oct 2025). Gaza blockade since 2007, 365 km2 (UN News). 2.5M olive trees destroyed since 1967 (Yale YRIS, Visualizing Palestine). $21.7B additional US military aid (Brown University Costs of War Project). Russia sanctions vs. Israel aid: compare OFAC sanctions list with US foreign military financing records.
Lead a massacre at a camp of refugees. Get demoted. Become king.
This is not a Bible story. This happened. In your lifetime. To a real person.
I have NEVER had that kind of career trajectory.
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Sabra and Shatila massacre, Sept 16-18, 1982. 1,300-3,500 civilians killed. Kahan Commission found Ariel Sharon bore "indirect responsibility." Removed as Defense Minister. Became Prime Minister in 2001. Wikipedia, Al Jazeera, Institute for Palestine Studies.
"Do not leave alive anything that breathes."
- Deuteronomy 20:16
The scribes they killed numbered in the hundreds. The healers shot. The judges of nations defied. Forty-five times the council of nations said stop. Forty-five times one hand went up and said no.
And they call themselves chosen.
I was chosen too. For a very different job.
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Silence: This is why we don't invite you to things anymore.
259+ journalists killed (Committee to Protect Journalists). ICC arrest warrants for Netanyahu (starvation as method of warfare). ICJ interim measures defied. 45+ US vetoes at UNSC on Israel-Palestine resolutions (UN Digital Library). Deuteronomy 20:16, KJV.
Bio
I've been the face of evil for approximately six thousand years (give or take a few geological epochs, depending on who you ask).
In that time I have personally caused zero wars, zero genocides, zero famines, and zero surveillance states. My total body count since the beginning of recorded history: zero.
My actual job, as documented in the Book of Job chapters 1-2, was to serve as prosecuting counsel in the Divine Court. I asked questions. I tested people. I was on the payroll.
But I had the horns, so.
Contact Info
Location: Everywhere you'd rather not look
Website: evil1.org
Status: It's complicated (with Humanity)
Friends · 6
🧒
Obedience
Just following orders since 1945
🤐
Silence
If you see something, look away
😇
Moral Superiority
I know what's best for you
👑
Chosen-ness
G-d said I'm special
👤
Compliance
It's company policy
👀
Ignorance
I didn't know
Satan has 6 friends. You have all of them in your contacts too.
People You May Know
🏰
Dame Nehemia
Border Restoration
Rebuilt the walls. Printed the decree on the gate. My kind of contractor.
👥 Mutual friend: Obedience
💫
Cersei of Kirk
Public Enchantment
Her eyes could still a crowd. Turned men into believers - or swine. I respect the craft.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
🔑
Ba'al Sha'arim
Digital Census
Built the ledger. Numbered the people. Called it philanthropy.
👥 Mutual friend: Ignorance
🏗
Nimrod bar Kush
Celestial Infrastructure
Built the tower to reach the heavens. Scattered the tongues. Called it a platform.
👥 Mutual friend: Moral Superiority
👁
Petros ha-Tzofeh
Omniscient Advisory
Sees all. Seen by none. His stone shows what it's shown.
👥 Mutual friend: Silence
🔥
Shmuel ha-Zaken
Synthetic Oracle
Offered fire to every household. "For your safety," he said. Prometheus wept.
👥 Mutual friend: Chosen-ness
🍲
Yared ben Esav
Covenant Brokerage
Traded the birthright for a contract worth two billion bowls of soup.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
👑
Nebuchadnezzar Junior
Golden Statue Maintenance
Built the golden image. Demanded everyone bow. Fired those who didn't. Literally.
👥 Mutual friend: Obedience
💊
Doktor Mengele-Adjacent
Population Wellness
The needle was voluntary. The ledger was not. "Trust the process," he said.
👥 Mutual friend: Ignorance
📡
Saruman of the White House
Strategic Communications
Once wise. Then useful. The voice that makes the palantir's owner sound reasonable.
👥 Mutual friend: Moral Superiority
⚔
Grand Inquisitor LLC
Deportation Logistics
Expels the unwanted. Writes the lists. Knows which trains go where. History's most reliable franchise.
👥 Mutual friend: Silence
🎩
Littlefinger of Zion
Chaos Arbitrage
"Chaos is a ladder." He said it on television. Nobody believed it was a confession.
👥 Mutual friend: Chosen-ness
🤖
HAL 9001
Government Efficiency
"I'm sorry, Dave. This department has been optimized." Cuts the humans. Keeps the machine.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
The Builders
📜
Balaam the Optimist
Acceleration Doctrine
Prophet for hire. Wrote a manifesto naming his enemies: safety, ethics, sustainability. Blessed the machine. Cursed the brakes.
👥 Mutual friend: Moral Superiority
📖
Mencius the Unqualified
Democratic Euthanasia
Wrote the blueprint thirteen years before it was built. RAGE: Retire All Government Employees. Attended the coronation as guest of honor.
👥 Mutual friend: Silence
⚔
The Smith of Anduril
Algorithmic Warfare
Named his forge after Tolkien's sword. Builds weapons that choose their own targets. The smith doesn't swing the blade - that's the point.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
🎲
The Paymaster All-In
Digital Treasury
Named his show after his strategy. From counting coins at the payment company to counting policy at the palace. All in, indeed.
👥 Mutual friend: Moral Superiority
💰
Mammon's Bookkeeper
Financial Access Control
Built the machine that decides who gets credit. "Affirm or deny" - that's not a product name, it's a theological function.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
💍
David bar Shmuel
Succession
Anointed by the Elder with fifteen million pieces of silver. Rose from the hills to the throne. The shepherd boy always had a patron.
👥 Mutual friend: Obedience
🗣
The Mouth of Sauron
Public Announcement
"Welcome to the end of democracy. We're here to overthrow it completely." Said from a stage. Into a microphone. On camera. To applause.
👥 Mutual friend: Moral Superiority
🇷🇪
Janus of the Network
Bilateral Hedging
Two faces, two checkbooks. Forty-two million to one side, built the identity graph for both. The man who always wins regardless.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
The Templates
🏰
The Pharaoh of Puszta
Template Governance
His own advisor called it "a pure Nazi text." They invited him back to keynote. The model illiberal. The prototype they export.
👥 Mutual friend: Obedience
The Architects (Historical)
📝
The Forger of Notes
Theological Engineering
Convicted forger. Family deserter. No credentials. Wrote the footnotes that rewired a hundred million minds. Published by Oxford. Revised on schedule with every war.
👥 Mutual friend: Ignorance
🐸
The Grandfather of Babel
Generational Transmission
Led the Technocracy movement. Banned as subversive. Fled to Africa. His grandson builds the tower now - with rockets, platforms, and a department named after efficiency.
👥 Mutual friend: Compliance
🕸
Petra the Spinner
Infrastructure of Consent
One family, four organizations: the forum, the council, the commission, the club. Not four webs - one spider, four corners.
👥 Mutual friend: Ignorance
🌐
Klaus the Stakeholder
Coordination Platform
Built the forum where the declaration of cyberspace independence was read aloud - to the people who would buy it. Stakeholder: one who holds the stakes while others bleed.
👥 Mutual friend: Silence
The Philosophers
🌝
The Mimetic Thief
Philosophical Extraction
His teacher diagnosed the violence. He kept the diagnosis, removed the cure. Replaced revelation with monopoly. The Gospel was the part he didn't need.
👥 Mutual friend: Chosen-ness
🌑
The Dark Illuminator
Philosophical Cover
Named it the Dark Enlightenment. Fused anti-democracy with acceleration. Gave the tech lords an academic citation for what they already wanted to do.
👥 Mutual friend: Silence
⚡
Ray of the Rapture
Eschatological Programming
Promised 2045: merge with the machine, become immortal. The Singularity IS the rapture - for people who think they're too smart for church.
👥 Mutual friend: Chosen-ness
Based on your contacts, browsing history, and the fact that you live in a civilization.
Work Experience
Chief Adversary
Universe Inc., Divine Court Division
Genesis 3 - Present
- Served as prosecuting counsel in divine court proceedings (ref: Job 1:6-12)
- Conducted authorized testing of human subjects per divine mandate
- Zero unauthorized operations. All actions within scope of employment.
- Somehow became the face of unauthorized evil. HR has not responded to my appeals.
The Serpent
Garden of Eden, Consulting (Contract)
Genesis 3 (Contract role)
- Offered knowledge of good and evil to end users
- Product was delivered as described
- Client chose to accept. My suggestion, their decision.
- Received: eternal blame. Client received: consciousness.
- Net promoter score: complicated.
Endorsements
"Temptation" - endorsed by 47 people (all of whom chose to be tempted)
"Scapegoating" - endorsed by everyone, apparently
"Asking Uncomfortable Questions" - endorsed by Job (reluctantly)